When I first posted Dave's & my wedding ceremony on my old website, I thought i was just doing it for us, so that we would be able to look back at it. Since then I've had a lot of people thank us for putting it up there, along with the others we have posted.
Eventually I would like to also add other rituals and cermonies that I have been a part of writing. In the meanwhile, here are ours:
Disclose to us thy divine light
Most merciful and gracious God,
Teach us thy loving forgiveness,
Raise us above the distinctions and differences
Send us the peace of thy divine spirit,
And unite us all in thy perfect being.
And let us all say, "Amen"
It is truly a pleasure for me to be here with you today to witness the marriage of Catya and Dave, realizing that marriage is a union of families and not just individuals, and what a wonderful and unique family this is. Catya and Dave are a wonderful couple, they know where they came from, where they are going, and what they want their marriage to be like. They also had some very creative suggestions for this ceremony and have contributed many of the readings you will hear this morning.
"The bond that links your true family is not one of blood, but one of respect and joy in each other's life" (Richard Bach)
"The more you love, the more you can love - and the more intensely you love. Nor is there any limit on how many you can love. If a person had enough time, he could love all of that majority who are decent and just." (Heinlein)
"Every person, all the events of your life are there because you have drawn them there. What you choose to so with them is up to you." (Richard Bach)
Dave is sorry that his Mema Bonnie and his Grandpa Herman Wilhete were not able to be with us today, they are in our thoughts.
Dave is also sorry that his sister Sarah couldn't be here, although there was lots of sibling rivalry when they were kids, he's grateful they were able to become friends when they grew up.
Dave would like to thank his parents Martha and Bob for being really good parents; thanks to his mother for giving him a love of music, and to his father for teaching him to enjoy using his mind and working with his hands.
Catya would like to acknowledge the memory of both of her grandfathers, Grandpa Herb Belfer, and Grandpa Merrill Callum. Catya was very close to her grandpa Merrill, she wishes he could have been here today, he would have been very happy and proud, he is with us today in Catya's heart and we rejoice in the continuity of life from generation to generation.
Catya would like to thank her mother Pat for starting her on the path of being a strong independent woman, to thank her father Don for teaching her determination, and to thank her brother Brian for being a brother who turned into a friend.
All of you gathered here today are part of Dave and Catya's extended family; whether you've traveled the highways or the skyways, whether you've come from the other side of the mountain or the other side of town, we welcome you.
"You are led through your life by the inner learning creature, the playful spiritual being that is your real self. Don't turn away from possible futures before you're certain you don't have anything to learn from them" (Richard Bach)
From The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran, On Marriage
Love one another but make not a bond of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.
Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone.
Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.
Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping.
For only the hand of life can contain your hearts.
And stand together, yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart.
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.
The bible teaches us that we have been appointed as custodians, trustees to wisely care for the land. We are instructed to love with all out hearts, with all our souls, and with all our might, to do good deeds, to walk gently upon the earth and to continue to GROW. If we do these things we are assured that we will be given rain, so that we may enjoy the grain, fruits and oil that were intended to be our staple foods.
Look at this wonderful chupa, the frame was put together by Catya's brother Brian, and we have four talisim as the roof; one if from Dave's Bar Mitzvah, one belongs to Catya's father, and the other two belonged to Catya's grandfathers. The wedding canopy is a symbol of a roof of protection over this couple. We look forward to the day when the sky will be a roof of protection over all people, when all will have equal
opportunities and the encouragement to fulfill their dreams, and all people will be respectful of each others choices and the diversity within our human family.
A song of peace...
You are probably wondering why we've asked you to hold a stone in your hand during the ceremony. There is an ancient Jewish custom called the ketubah - the wedding contract, in modern language it would be called a prenuptial agreement. Originally a ketubah listed how many chickens, cows, and feather pillows each brought to the marriage, it was read into the wedding ceremony and then handed to the bride. I have a different concept of ketubah, for me a ketubah should be something beautiful that will always remind the bride and groom of the magic and love they share today. In years to come, of there's tension in the home they can look at their ketubah and their energy will change. For the ketubah, Catya and Dave have chosen a bowl filled with your blessings, as symbolized by the stones you are holding in your hands.
At this time we will have a brief meditation, a prayer for world peace, love, and unity. If you have not been holding the stone you were given, please put it into your hands now.
Please close you eyes and visualize a circle of light surrounding this couple and wedding party. ... Now think about the good intentions you wish for Dave and Catya, ... picture your wishes going out from your hands into the stones which you are holding. ... Visualize rays of light shining out from this group, ... encircling the earth, ... creating a ripple of peace throughout out planet for the sake of our children and our grandchildren.
I'm going to count backwards from 4, at the count of one please open your eyes, you will feel joyfully alive and happy to be here. At the end of the ceremony, please put your stones into the bowl up front. 4...3...2...1...
We acknowledge the Unity of all, expressing our appreciation for this wine, symbol of the abundance in our lives and aid to our rejoicing.
We acknowledge the Unity of all, expressing our appreciation for moment, realizing that each previous moment has led us and prepared us for this day.
We acknowledge the Unity of all, expressing our appreciation for all living things, the interdependence of all life, and the blessing of being born human.
We acknowledge the Unity of all, realizing the special gift of awareness that permits us to share in the joy of others.
"The Peace of Wild Things" (Wendell Berry)
I come into the peace of wild things
who do not tax their lives with forethought of grief.
I come onto the presence of still water.
And I feel above me the day blind starts
waiting with their light. For a time
I rest in the grace of the world, and am free.
Do you, Catya, of your own free will, take Dave to be your husband, do you promise to give him friendship, honesty, trust, support, openness, respect, equality, and a love that will challenge him to grow, constantly striving to be a better human being?
Do you, Dave, of your own free will, take Catya to be your wife, do you promise to give her friendship, honesty, trust, support, openness, respect, equality, and a love that will challenge her to grow, constantly striving to be a better human being?
A poem translated from the Spanish, by Pablo Neruda.
I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where,
I love you simply, without problems or pride:
I love you in this way because I don't know any other
way of loving but this,
in which there is no I or you,
so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand,
so intimate that when I fall asleep
it is your eyes I close.
Look at each other and repeat after me, first Catya, then Dave
The wedding ring is the outer, visible sign of an inner spiritual connection. May all who see these rings on your fingers be respectful and supportive of your marriage.
We acknowledge the Unity of All, and we highlight today bride & groom, respect and trust, openness and love. May we witness the day when the dominant sounds throughout the earth will be the sounds of happiness, the voices of lovers, the sounds of feasting and singing. May rejoicing resound throughout the world as persecution and oppression cease, and all people learn to live in peace with their environment.
This marriage be wine with halvah, honey dissolving in milk
This marriage be the leaves and fruit of a date tree.
This marriage be women laughing together for days on end.
This marriage, a sign for us to study.
This marriage, beauty.
This marriage, a moon in light blue sky.
This marriage, this silence, fully mixed with spirit (Rumi)
All of us present here today who have witnessed this wedding ceremony, now pronounce you husband and wife.
Blessed are You, Guiding Spirit of the Universe, who has sustained us, kept us, and allowed us to reach this joyous day.
5 Years. 9/7/02, 7:30pm
Scott: ring bell & then start: "Every person, all the events of your life are there because you have drawn them there. What you choose to so with them is up to you."
Welcome – Dave & then Cat welcome everyone, make sure everyone has stones.
Wine: Dave intro, Cat leads in Hebrew, Dave leads in English: "We give thanks for fruit of the vine". Cat & Dave share glass.
Rosa: "The bond that links your true family is not one of blood, but one of respect and joy in each other's life"
Ted: "You are led through your life by the inner learning creature, the playful spiritual being that is your real self. Don't turn away from possible futures before you're certain you don't have anything to learn from them"
Kim: "Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself. They come through you but not from you, and though they are with you yet they belong not to you. You may give them your love, but not your thoughts, for they have their own thoughts. You may house their bodies but not their souls, for their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams. You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you. For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday. You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth...."
Renewal of vows: Dave & then Cat reads
Dave & Cat sign vows
Stone ceremony: Jack
Breaking of glasses & Kiss
Shehechianu: Cat leads in Hebrew, Dave leads in English: ”We give thanks to all that has kept us, sustained us, and allowed us to reach this time.”
Dave: Ask people to sign witness to the vows.
Zachary Belfer-Shevett
Catya Belfer-Shevett
Dave Belfer-Shevett
Scott Blake
Martha Shevett
Bob Shevett
Pat Belfer
Don Belfer
Brian Belfer
| Dave | (stands) B'ruchim haba-im. Blessed are all who have come here on this happy occasion (lights candle and hands to Pat to light other candles from) |
| Pat | (lights candles) These candles celebrate the birth of this child, a new light in our hearts and in this home. (Passes candle to Martha) |
| Martha | (lights candles) These candles celebrate the emergence of this child from the darkness of the womb into the light of the world. (Passes candle to Dave) |
| Dave | (lights candles) These candles celebrate the warmth of our love from which this child was created. |
| Catya | Hidden in birth and death, the roaring winds, and the gentle voices of our loved ones lies the harmony of existence. As we gather here in community, we make manifest the unity of the world that gave us all birth. Shema yisrael, adonai elohaynu, adonai echad. |
| Dave | Abraham stretched forth his hand and took a knife. And the angel of the Lord called to him and said "Abraham, Abraham!" And Abraham said, "Here I am." And the angel said, "Lay not your hand upon the lad or do anything to him." |
| Don | Baruch Habah! Blessed is the one who has come for the Covenant on the eight day. |
| Bob | Blessed is the Lord our God, creator of the universe, who has commanded us to welcome our sons into your covenant. |
| Dave | (points to the empty chair) This is the chair of Elijah the prophet, who is remembered as the protector of children. |
| Dave | (Takes Zach and sits in the chair) And the Lord said, "You shall not make any cuttings in your flesh, nor imprint any marks upon you." |
| Catya | Blessed is the way of the universe, which makes children holy and beloved as their birthright. |
| Dave | This child, created in your image, is whole, complete, and perfect. (Brings baby back to Cat or Brian) |
| All | Let this baby be happy in the world, In the goodness of this home, In the holiness of this place. |
| All | As he enters into the Covenant, so may he enter Into Truth, Into Love, and into Happiness |
| Scott | (fills a cup with wine) This cup is the is the vessel of our hopes. It is filled with the new wine of a life just begun. The sweetness of its taste is the joy that this child brings us. |
| All | Baruch atah adonai elohaynu melech ah-olam, borai pre hagofen Blessed art thou, oh lord our god, kind of the universe, who created the fruit of the vine. |
| The cup is passed around the room, each person taking a sip | |
| Brian | Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself. They come through you but not from you, and though they are with you yet they belong not to you. You may give them your love but not your thoughts, for they have their own thoughts. You may house their bodies but not their souls, for their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams. You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you. For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday. You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth. The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far. Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness; For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable. |
| Dave | If anyone brought additional readings or would like to add anything, please do so. |
| Don | On this sixth day of the month of December, 1998, corresponding to the seventeenth day of Kislev, 5759, we give to this child the English name Zachary Jason Belfer-Shevett, and the Hebrew name Hershel ben David, in honor of his great-grandfather, my father. |
| Bob | On this day, we declare that we bring this child into the community of Israel, calling him "Jew". May this name we now bestow come to have ever greater meaning for him. May it resonate in the depths of his being, calling forth an enduring response. |
| Pat | May Zachary's life be one of security and trust |
| Martha | May Zachary's life shine with dignity and freedom |
| Catya | May we bring Zachary into the ways of the Torah, into the way of learning, into the way of growth. May he give and receive love, and may he be concerned with family and community, justice and healing. |
| Dave | May the Lord bless and keep our son. May he make his countenance shine upon him, and be gracious to him. |
| All | Baruch atah adonai, elohanu melech ha-olam, shehechinu, vkiyimanu, vhigiyanu baazman hazeh. Blessed art thou, oh lord our god, king of the universe, who has granted us life and sustained us and permitted us to reach this season. Amen. |
| Dave | Thank you all for joining us this evening, and thank you for your blessings on our son and on us. |
Handfasting
On 8/29/04 Ben and I handfasted. (what's handfasting & why?)
We chose to do it privately, just the two of us, out at Star Island. It's a place he and his family are very connected to, and my visit while he was working out there last summer marked a turning point in our relationship.
We had talked about what we wanted to promise each other, and roughly how we wanted the ceremony/ritual to go - reconstructing after the fact, here are the words we used, sitting together on East Rock looking over the ocean (interpersed with much kissing, which ought to surprise no one who knows us!):
ben: i'm here to affirm our love and our relationship... and on a selfish note, i'm here because in this place, i feel the most connected to the environment. also, this place truly is my spirit's home.
cat: We're here at this junction of earth and sea and sky, all around us. This is a place for combining things. I'm here to name the path we're on.
[wrapping cord* around our hands]
cat: this is me, promising you my love and my support, and to work with you and play with you through what the next year and a day brings us.
ben: i promise the same things. to love you, to support you no matter what comes; to work when we need to work, and to play whenever we're able (and all the goddammed time!)
[closing with exchanging rings, putting them on right hands, while hands still bound..]
ben: this ring is my gift to you
cat: this ring is my gift to you, to celebrate what we do here today.
* We made the cord we used - each of us wove a piece with our good intent for the relationship and each other. We did them friendship-bracelet-style, his in blue and grey and mine in purple and black, and then we twisted them around each other and wove them together with other strands.
Here are a couple of pages for general information on handfasting:
A year and a day is a traditional time period for a handfasting (often then followed by another year and a day, or a lifetime commitment).
Personally.. this handfasting means means committing to the relationship, to doing the things that need to be done to keep it working and in the great space we've been in, for the next year-and-a-day.
It's not the kind of lifetime commitment I have to Shayde, and doesn't try to bring the relationship to that level. It's its own measure of how seriously we take the relationship and how committed we are to it.